I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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