id be glad to
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
