i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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