So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
