I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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