hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
