Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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