I am spending my child support on dildos
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
