Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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