i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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