every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
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I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
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Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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