as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Randomize
