Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
