I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
