I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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