go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
