his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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