i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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