I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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