Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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