whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
