I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Randomize
