Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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