New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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