Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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