So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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