you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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