the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
