Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
