the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
