I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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