I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
