so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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