We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
