mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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