you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
