I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
