I wannas sexs uuuuu
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
