i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
