you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
