I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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