Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
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do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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