the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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