Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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