Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
