I'm sorry my penis didn't work
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
