my phone needs a breathalizer
pop tarts are not kleenex
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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