I was born with a shot glass in my hand
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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