Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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