I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
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Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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