I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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