I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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