wrigley field is MILF paradise
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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