Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
