I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
